yellowducky's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My Little Bout With Depression All's well with the supervisor. I think she realized she over-reacted. Maybe KB stepped in and told her to back off, I don't know, but she's been kissing my butt for the past week. **************************************************************** In other news, "Ungerman" and I are officially friends again. He hasn't showed up at the shelter to volunteer for WEEKS. Goes who shows up on Saturday? You guessed it. I asked him how he was doing and he told me much better. He asked me how I was doing, and I smiled and nodded. I wasn't about to pour my heart out to someone who's been avoiding me for six months. Unfortunately he hadn't lost his powers of observation. He saw through me. My friend, the crisis counselor at work, hadn't figured out yet that I'm depressed (no, I diagnosed myself and went to her and asked if I was right!), but he saw that something was wrong and confronted me. He told me to call him and gave me his cell number. It made me mad! When did we suddenly become friends again? There was no way I was going to call him. I spent the rest of Saturday, Sunday and Monday wallowing in my misery. By Monday night people were beginning to notice there was something wrong with me. My touted powers of prevarication were slipping. I finally vented to my dear friend Bobby Someone while we waited for his fiancee to get out of a meeting. It felt good to finally release some of the pressure that had been building up in me for so long! That's when I realized how ridiculous I was being. "Ungerman" had always been my best sounding board. He takes me seriously without letting me get too deeply immersed in my tendency toward melodrama. So I called him. He sounded happy to hear from me, but he had someone over and asked if I could call him the next night. I said sure. There was no way I was going to. I was fundamentally unsure about whether he wanted to hear from me or not. He didn't give me a chance to not call him, though. He called me early in the evening. I told him a little bit of how I was feeling (perceptive boy that he is, he knew I wasn't telling him everything). Anyway, long and short of it is we had a really good conversation, and now I'm not sure if I'm happy about it or not. *************************************************************** I don't know whether to be happy about it because I don't know if I should trust him or not. Sure, he said feel free to call him when I need to talk, but if I do that, and create another emotional bond to him, and he does another disappearing act, it's just going to hurt me all over again. But my sadness is founded on my inability to trust. It's gotten to the point that I see a cute guy when I drive down the street and my mind suddenly flashes visions of him battering a woman. It's not a conscious decision I make, it just happens. I don't think I can look into the eyes of one more child who's been raped by her father. I've stopped dating. I've stopped hanging out with my bevy of boys. In social settings I try to surround myself with my girl friends. It's getting worse. I'm burned out. Between my job, my past and my friends, I've regressed about 7 years in my ability to trust. This sucks. At this rate I'm going to be encapsulated in my little bubble that I'd formed around myself during my high school years so that I didn't feel anything. Nothing--not happiness or sadness or pain or excitement or fear. I was numb. I have to change jobs. It's no longer an option. It's a mental health issue for me. But then something threw me last night. I went over to babysit for my friend who's husband walked out on her. She had some errands she had to run, and the baby's been sick, and the weather's been bad, so I stayed with the gorgeous little girl. When my friend got back, she told me that she didn't want to be single and that she hoped to be married again. I couldn't believe it. It was the last thing I expected to hear from her. Despite all he'd put her through, she'd loved being married. Sharing goals. Companionship. The closeness of sharing your life with someone. She told me I'm giving up on things too easily. I want to believe her, I just don't know how. 10:40 a.m. - February 27, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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