yellowducky's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Not-So-Brief Update What’s been happening in Ducky’s life? Well, men are as confusing as always. Only they seem to think that everything they do is logical and straightforward. The problem is obviously with me, because I’m a woman and therefore not logical! I’ll admit, I do tend to be more emotion than logic-driven, but that still leaves a lot of things unaccounted for. Maybe a little catching up would be appropriate here. I got back from my little vacation with the determination that I would focus on developing healthy friendships with guys and forget about romance for a while. My friend Architect Dave told me that was a stupid thing to do. I told him no more stupid than some of the ideas he came up with. I went forward with my plan, and it was very rewarding. I was able to deepen a lot of my relationships. However, it also left me very discontented (not to mention very much in the need for a good long kiss!). Then a new boy entered the picture. He annoyed the daylights out of me. He’s an outrageous flirt—not that that annoyed me, I’m used to that—but the fact that when we are alone, he becomes very sincere and tells me how wonderful and beautiful he thinks I am! I was so bugged, and just wanted him to go away. He was ruining my plan. We had not set out the parameters of our friendship. He seemed to understand me entirely too well, and I had never invited him into my head. I began to avoid him. Architect Dave tried to convince me that I was being extremely unreasonable and just a little silly. “Am I allowed to tell you you’re beautiful? Is that in the manifest of our friendship? Would you get mad at me?” he asked. I told Architect Dave (who I adore and think very highly of) to go focus on his own issues and leave mine alone for a while. At Architect Dave’s prompting (let’s just call him A.D. from now on), I had a little conversation with our promising young lawyer. I did apologize for blowing him off for the better part of two weeks during which he kept trying to have a serious conversation with me. We had the serious conversation, and I’m still confused over what he wants from me. He talks around in circles, like a lawyer. He can be so sweet though, and I think we have a date tonight. I’m not sure I understood him correctly; like I said, he talks in circles. By night, A.D. works in his garage with wood. He’s extremely talented; I love to watch him. I went over at midnight and asked if I was invited in. We had a very good conversation while he put another coat of varnish on his current project. It was good until the last little bit, and then he decided to push me a little. Well, he pushed me on the wrong thing—it hit all my buttons and I started to cry (just a little bit). He just held me. Then he wanted to know why I reacted the way I did (he’s cried with me before, but never vice-versa). My reaction was completely incongruous with what he was saying. I tried to tell him, I really did, but I couldn’t. It’s not that I don’t trust him, because I do. I’m amazed at how much I am willing to share with him. I’ve just kept this secret for so long, I don’t think I’m capable of sharing it. I actually had every intention of writing about it and how it’s affected me, but now I find that I can’t do it, even here in the anonymity of Diaryland. The actual event isn’t even the issue. It’s all the exposition and what it’s done to my perception of relationships. Anyway, enough of that gloomy stuff. I’m not ready to deal with it right now. A.D. would tell me I’m running away again, but that’s life. He says a lot of things I don’t necessarily agree with. It’s time for me to end this entry. I’m suddenly no longer reflective. 11:31 a.m. - August 14, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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