yellowducky's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Being in Love? Today’s question for discussion: What does being in love feel like? All boys and girls wondering: the CT scan of my head was normal. Of course, that does not mean that I am normal. Just the anatomy and physiology of my head. Flyboy and I are definitely just friends. We talked about it; we’re fine with it. We’re still really good, supportive friends. There’s just really no physical chemistry between us. We are more brother and sister than anything. I was using him as an escape route during my relationship with the Firefighter so I wouldn’t have to commit. On the other hand, I’m very confused about the Firefighter. He’s turned into a very good friend since we broke up (something we never were when we were dating), and I discovered that I genuinely like him. It’s not just physical between us. I’ve found out that he’s a really good, empathetic listener and an honestly GOOD person. Talk about astonishment. He’s funny and intelligent and compassionate. I started to realize just how much I had misinterpreted him on Monday. I had to put together a presentation on healthy/unhealthy/abusive relationships for my church group. I deal with this stuff every day at work, but it didn’t click with me until I sat down and did one of the exercises I always have my clients do. I’m such an idiot. I twisted so much of what he did to make it into something bad. Things like listening to me and wanting to know how I felt and what I was thinking. All the boundary issues I kept harping on? I was the one not respecting my own boundaries. I was projecting it onto him. Since, at fifteen, I found out how diabolic my stepfather was, I’ve told myself I had really bad judgment in men. I loved him (step-dad) so completely and unquestioningly. When I found out what he really was it destroyed my ability to trust. I’ve assumed since that any man I was attracted to must be deeply flawed in some way. And that any man who was attracted to me must be even more deeply flawed. I told my therapist this, and she told me that she thought I had good judgment in people, just not in my own abilities. I’ve never forgiven myself for loving someone who hurt my family so much. Now I’m scared to let go of that mindset. It’s the way I’ve lived for 11 years. It’s known, it’s comforting; it’s lonely. The Firefighter told me he’s waiting for me to figure things out. He’s waiting for an indication from me. I’m scared witless. I might still run away from it. It’s too much emotion. 12:59 p.m. - April 12, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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