yellowducky's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Weekend Update in Brief The Firefighter is in Belize for a week. He’s there on a scuba diving trip. He proposed again before he left. I have to break up with him when he gets back. He asked me what I thought about December for a wedding date and I told him to drop it because we both knew he was joking, and if I ever took him seriously and said yes he would freak. He said no, he meant what he said and if I ever took him seriously I would freak and run away. I changed the subject quickly. He was very right; I’m taking him seriously. I’m ticked for a number of reasons. First of all, I never gave him permission to understand me so well. I thought I was a better actress than that. He has no right to be inside my head. Second, he misrepresented himself. He acted like a big flirt; not one to put his heart on the line. I never would have played with him if I thought he would get this serious about me. Third, I told him from the very beginning that I wasn’t going to make any commitments or promises, and now he’s asking for a big one. I’m now plotting the break-up scene. It would make a good scene in a novel. Unfortunately, there’s no guarantee that he will respond the way I want him to. I am going to do my very best to be honest with him for the first time in our relationship. I’m going to tell him why I could never marry him. A) I don’t love him. B) I don’t trust him. What he doesn’t need to know is all the details. He doesn’t need to know that I’ve never been in love before, and I honestly don’t know if I’m capable of it. Don’t confuse that with loving. I’m very capable of loving, as my family and friends can attest. It’s giving my heart to somebody so completely that scares the hell out of me and freezes my emotions. I can adore somebody completely until things become romantic, and then I must disconnect from them. What he can know is that I don’t trust him because he crosses my boundaries every time we are together. What he doesn’t need to know is that I’ve never trusted any guy I’ve dated, and it’s not their fault. I could tell him more than I’m planning, but the last guy I tried being that honest with used the information to try and hold me when I wanted to leave. It wasn’t a pretty scene. I never should have let it go this far. I was so bugged that when the Physical Therapist called on Saturday night I went out with him. I let him kiss me at the door, even though I’d been dodging him all night. It was nice, but he started making it into something more than it was. How do I get myself into these messes? The Pilot is funny as ever. He’s very bad to sit next to in church. We passed notes the whole time. Anyway, I have a week until the big scene with the Fireman. Any suggestions, advice, lectures would be greatly appreciated. And Eden~of course I forgot my sunscreen. I'm currently blistered and peeling. This should not happen in March! 10:59 a.m. - March 11, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||