yellowducky's Diaryland Diary

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Frantic, Futile Attempts

Some foolish person once said: "Friends are like stars in the sky. New ones may form and old ones may fade away." I’d have to disagree. Acquaintanceships can end that way. Casual relationships that don’t matter enough to warrant fighting a loosing battle are allowed to fade into obscurity. If it’s true friendship, then there is a moment, perhaps not realized until later, that changes everything. If it’s true friendship, after that moment there will be frantic, futile attempts to resurrect what you’ve always had between you.
When I was a child that moment was always when we moved…clinging to my friend and promising to always write, call and visit, but knowing, as our moving van drove away, that things would never be the same again. As a young adult, it was watching my friend marry, and knowing that she was entering a phase of her life that I wasn’t ready to follow her into. Most recently, my friendship ended with a kiss.
My best friend and I made arrangements to meet up on a Friday night. There was nothing unusual about this arrangement, unless one of us was actively dating, we spent many Friday nights hanging out. This one was different. He opened my doors and paid for my dinner. Highly unusual, but not enough to warrant comment. It was when we went back to his house to watch a show that our friendship ended. He cuddled up with me and kissed me.
I don’t think either of us knew at that moment that we would never be able to hang out, talk, support each other, or email about what a putz his boss was. That I would never be able to ask him how he was doing, who he was interested in, or what guys think. That he would never be able to help me through a relationship panic attack, tell me I’m being stupid over some guy, or give me one of his special hugs.
Neither of us has said the friendship is over…we’ve both gone out of our way to say that everything is fine and normal. But it isn’t. He’s taciturn and uncommunicative, and I’m over-bright and too chatty. Not normal states for either of us.
I want to force him to be my “pre-kiss” friend, but know that there is no forcing friendship. I have a post-it note on my computer…. “give him time”. I’m willing to ignore it (the fatal kiss), and can’t understand why he won’t. But I fear it is as I told him, I simply compartmentalize better than he does. In my heart of hearts, though, I have the same feeling I did in fifth grade as I watched my best-friend grow smaller, waving frantically with my new address clutched in her hand.

4:02 p.m. - June 01, 2006

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